What We Can Teach The World About Grief

When Curt & I attended our first Bereaved Parents of the USA conference in Florida after Nathan passed away, we were moved by one particular session that we attended. The facilitator was Chuck Prestwood, he gave a talk on "When a child dies.....What we can teach the world (and ourselves) about our grief!" with his permission I'd like to share his wisdom with you, I hope you will find this information helpful.

1. GRIEF HURTS

There is real pain. It is not psychosomatic!

2. GRIEF IS NORMAL

The pain, anger, depression, numbness, guilt, mental confusion, etc. is all NORMAL. You are not going crazy because you experience these.

3. GRIEF ENDURES

It lasts longer than society (or we ourselves) generally recognizes. It takes years for healing to occur. Be patient with yourself.

4. PEOPLE GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY

Everyone is an individual and does his/her grief work differently. There is no right way to grieve.

5. PHYSICAL REACTIONS

a. Loss of appetite or overeating

b. Insomnia - sleeplessness

c. Sleeping all the time - depression

d. Sexual difficulties - not wanting/deserving pleasure

e. Loss of energy - take all you have to get out of bed

f. Difficulty concentrating - can't hold thoughts, organize, plan, forgetful, etc.

g. Physical ailments: hypertension, headaches, and illness related to stress.

6. GRIEF BRINGS TEARS

Causes one to cry. Crying is healthy expression of grief. It releases built-up tensions. Grieving persons should be encouraged to cry freely as they feel the need. The chemical makeup of tears from grief is different from other tears. MEN SHOULD CRY TOO! Crying is OK!

7. HOLIDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, SPECIAL DAYS ARE STRESSFUL

Holidays are "family times" and are difficult when a child is absent. Anniversaries include birthdays, death days. Special Days include every Friday if child died on a Friday, 1st day of school and your child isn't there to go this year, graduation exercises, two and three years after the death....all can be stressful.

8. GRIEF CAUSES ONE TO EXAMINE HIS/HER PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

We now question many religious principles that we've always accepted without question in the past. Simple answers to life questions are no longer acceptable to many during grief. Things just aren't "black and white" anymore. Those in grief seek deeper truths now and these truths must be real to them - experienced - to be accepted.

Questioning God and His role in the loss is NORMAL and OK! Being angry at God is OK! You can't be angry at someone you don't believe in! Remember, there is no way that a loving God would cause a child to die and leave the family with such horrible grief. He hurts when we hurt.

9. GRIEF CHANGES YOU!

When your child dies, you will never again be the person you were the day before the death! Friendships and relationships change because WE CHANGE. Don't be frightened by the changes taking place INSIDE you. Go with them. You will eventually find your "resting place" as healing takes place.

10. RECOVERY AND HEALING IS POSSIBLE!

You will never "get over" the death of a child and there will always be a void in your life, BUT, you won't always hurt like you do initially. To recover, you must go through the grief, experience it. All attempts to avoid it will only postpone it! IT DOES GET BETTER!

By: Chuck Prestwood

Written by: Jill Theriault

Crossroads Coaching - @crossroadscoachingongodstime